My mom spent the majority of my formative years trying to lecture me about being fat, prevent me from being fat, or tell me I got fatter. Needless to say, I have a complex about my body.
Due to a combination of bullying and body-shaming, I have an ugly duckling syndrome. No matter what, I feel fat and ugly inside. Even when I may not be.
I exercised because I felt I must. Sometimes I would eat a salad, and shove it into my mouth out of obligation. I would eat healthy one day, and then secretly shove junk food in my mouth at night while reading a trashy novel. I have had horrible habits due to shame and food and my body.
These last couple of years, I took fitness and food and my body back from Shame, the demon. Last year I trained for a triathlon. This year, I signed up for a program that taught me to work out and measure my food macros correctly. I’m going to look hot in my bikini this summer, and it’s not something my mom pushed me to do, or something I’m doing for a boy, or anything I’m doing for anyone. I’m finally doing it for myself.
So, cheers to finally kicking Shame the Demon out of my life (at least on the food and body front). Cheers to buying some body-con outfits and scaring the shit out of my kids. Cheers to me for loving me… at last … it took 25 years.